CHARACTER INTERVIEW WITH AURDA, LUCINDA AND PAUL FROM “DIARY OF A VAMPIRE STRIPPER” BY CINSEARAE S.
1. Welcome! So, tell us a bit about yourselves!
Audra: Can I skip this question, please?
Lucinda: (Snorts) She kinda hates talking about herself, but me, I don’t care. I’m an open book, so ask anything!
Paul: Um, I’m not too good at this kinda stuff either, but I’ll try.
Interviewer: Wonderful! So…as for the first question…
Audra: Still skipping. I’ll answer the next one, promise.
Lucinda: (Sighs and rolls her eyes.)She’s a vamp. I’m a were. And Paul here is a zombie.
Paul: Will you stop calling me that?!? I’m a ghoul!
Lucinda: (Wrinkles her nose.) Close enough!
Interviewer: What an interesting trio you three make!
Lucinda: We get that a lot. (grins)
Paul: Yep. And I’m her boyfriend! (Points to Audra)
Interviewer: You…? She…? (clears her throat.) Is that so?
Audra: We’re trying to get that fixed. His problem, I mean. He was human before.
Interviewer: Well, I wish you luck with that, Paul. Really.
Paul: Thanks. I need all the help I can get right about now! (Scratches his scalp, and a small bit of it sloughs off. He tries patting it back in place.)
2. So….what’s your story?
Audra: Well, pretty much like most folks these days, I stumbled into some tough times trying to keep a job. Out of desperation, I decided to try out as a stripper for a relatively new club that opened up. I met Lu at the auditions and we became friends, and much later, I ran into Paul there.
Lucinda: (whispering) She’s being soooo vague…
Interviewer: Do tell.
Lucinda: (sitting up at attention) True, we met at the strip joint, but she also met her husband there, too.
Lucinda: (ignoring her) Her husband’s a bit of a dick. It’s why she became a vamp in the first place.
Paul: And that’s what fascinated me about her. (grins dreamily, showing his pointed teeth. The Interviewer cringes.)
Interviewer: I didn’t realize ghouls had sharp teeth.
Paul: Gotta tear through that raw flesh somehow, right? It’s one of the things that clearly distinguishes me from a zombie, Lu.
Lucinda: You and zombies are the same difference in my book.
Paul: I do not shuffle around mindlessly with my arms stuck out, going ‘braaains’, do I?”
Lucinda: Well, no, but—
Paul: I rest my case. (Folds his arms.) We’ve gotta stop having this argument!
3. Moving on, being what you are, do you guys embrace conflict or run away from it?
Lucinda: Are you kidding??? Whatever it is, we gotta face it head-on, or else it’ll simply get worse if we don’t nip it in the bud. Many humans don’t believe our kind exist, which is all fine and dandy, but those that do know, well…we’re not well-liked by them, to say the least! Being hunted by extremists that are out to kill us sucks… and they say WE’RE the freaks!!
Audra: Long story short, there’s a group of vigilante asshole cops trying to eradicate us. I hate people that are hell-bent on trying to destroy what they refuse to try and understand.
Paul: Definitely what they both said.
Interviewer: I’m so sorry to hear you guys are having it so tough. You guys are really cool.
4. What are your achievements?
Audra: That I managed to humiliate myself in front of a large crowd during auditions, get turned by a vampire, merge my vamp life with my human one, got assaulted at a graduation party but managed to kick some ass in the process, and helped solve a weird little mystery that almost had my and Lu’s family warring between each other….all in one year.
Lucinda: (Gives herself a facepalm) Gotta love her sarcasm.
Paul: My achievements are too mundane. I’ve always been a bit of a computer geek, though. I got promoted to Assistant Manager of my IT Department at the newspaper company I worked for…when I was still human.
Lucinda: The achievement I’m most proud of is the night I bagged a buck…all by myself!
Interviewer: (giving her an odd look) You…shot a buck?
Lucinda: Of course not, silly! I got him right in his jugular and dragged him down. Not a pretty sight—boy, can the kick up a storm! But if you get your teeth in the right location in their throat, then they’re history. (grins)
Interviewer: (clears her throat) Moving on….
5. What, if anything, haunts you?
(They’re all quiet for a moment, thinking)
Lucinda: I’d have to say…my mom’s death. I was really young when she died, and the rest of my family keeps her death shrouded in mystery. No one likes to talk about it. Everyone always says she was killed by hunters, but I just get the feeling they’re not telling me the whole story.
(Audra puts an assuring arm around Lucinda’s shoulder)
Paul: Well, the very first date I had with a girl when I was 13 still haunts me to this day.
Audra: (Inquisitively raises an eyebrow) Really? You haven’t told me this story yet…
Paul: You know me and trying to talk to girls. I had a hell of a time just trying to talk to you!
Audra: (laughs) Boy, do I know!
Paul: Well, it started out this way: I wanted to take this girl to a movie. Well, when we were all seated and ready to watch it, I kinda threw up everything I had for lunch that day. Got some of it on her shoe, too.
Lucinda: (gawps at Paul) Kinda threw up?!? On her shoe?! Ew!
Audra: Let me guess. Nervousness?
Audra: Well, I always have things that haunt me from time to time, usually stupid things from my past. But it’s all a part of growing up, I guess. They’re becoming faded memories though, thank God.
6. What from your past would you like to forget?
Paul: The throw up incident. There was another one too, but it was a little more intimate.
Audra: My exes, the friggin’ rat-bastard pricks that they were. One was an egotistical, compulsive liar and cheat, one was a money-grubbing, lard-ball sonofabitch, and the last one liked to give me head trips. More of a verbal abuser, and loved blaming me for everything that went wrong in our so-called relationship. That should have warned me that something was wrong with him. Like they say, the third time’s the charm!
(Lucinda gives her a hug, now.)
(Paul puts his arm around Audra, but then pulls back, wincing in pain.)
Audra: Are you alright?
Paul: (Grabbing at his forearm) I think a bit of my dead skin got snagged by your shirt, and kinda pulled at the living tissue it was attached to.
Lucinda: (squinching her face up and covering her ears) La la la la la la la…….!!!
(Interviewer squirms in her seat)
Lucinda: (quickly taking her hands away from her ears, looking at Paul.) You said there was another incident? More intimate?
Paul: Nuh-uh. No way. I’m not telling that for the whole world to know, Lu!
Audra: (to Lu and the interviewer) I’m betting it’s what he told me.
Paul: It IS!
Lucinda: Aw, c’mon Paul! Spill it!
Paul: (sighing) Alright, alright! It was that very first time I got a chance to be with a girl, you know. Just as soon as we started, well…I tried to hold it in, but I couldn’t—she was bouncing on me too hard! I let a really bad one rip, and she freaked the hell out and left me there on the bed.
(Lucinda is quiet for a few seconds, but a big smile slowly spreads across her face before she bursts out in laughter)
Paul: (folding his arms)You suck.
Lucinda: Paul, it’s no big deal! Do you know many times my boyfriend has farted in the middle of sex? He’s about as gassy as you are!
Audra: Please spare us that tidbit of info….
7. Okay, okay, no more embarrassing stuff. What do you want to be?
Audra: NOT a vampire.
Paul: NOT a ghoul.
Lucinda: A veterinarian! (Paul and Audra look at her) Whaaat? I’m serious! I think my special talent would help me out A LOT in that career!
8. Alrighty then….What’s your favorite scent?
Audra: Honeysuckle. I love lily-of-the-valley and roses too.
Paul: Fresh cut grass, and steak on a grill.
Lucinda: bubblegum! And tacos!
Audra and Paul: Tacos???
Paul: I thought you would have said Chinese food.
Lucinda: Yeah, definitely that too! (grins)
9. And for some more favorites, tell me your favorite color, food, drink and song.
Audra: It’s a toss-up between black and dark red; like burgundy, or wine. As for food, that should be pretty obvious, with me being a vamp. For drinks, I love a glass of Zinfandel with a splash of bird blood. And I have too many fave songs from my fave bands, The Cure, Marilyn Manson, and Depeche Mode. (She and Lu give each other high-fives)
Lucinda: I’m with her in the song department. I like brighter colors; yellows and pinks. I love fruity drinks, especially appletinis and jolly ranchers! And I love all sorts of food, especially Chinese! (She and Paul give each other high-fives now, but she gets some gunk from Paul on her hand and tries discreetly wiping it under her seat.)
Paul: And I’m with her on the food….at least I was when I was human. Nowadays I like raw chicken and hamburger. If I’m not too starving I’ll dump the hamburger in a bowl and eat it like spaghetti since it’s all stringy-looking. (Interviewer looks like she’s about to spew and appears a little pale.) Other than that, I like more earthy tones; dark blues and browns. And I’m your average beer guy. As for songs, I like Nine Inch Nails a lot.
Lucinda: So do we; we just didn’t mention it. (grins)
10. Okay, here’s another fun question for you. Name 5 things in your purse or pocket right now.
Audra: Let’s see…my wallet, my cellphone, some change, a hairclip, and some tissue.
Lucinda: Aw, that’s so boring. Here’s mine…a tiny bottle of my favorite bubblegum-scented body spray, my owl key chain, chewing gum, a tea bag, and a bird feather.
Audra: What the hell? Why do you have a tea bag?
Lucinda: Took it from the last restaurant I went to. Hey, it was free…
Interviewer: I would have asked why you have a bird feather.
Lucinda: It came off of my snack. But I don’t really eat birds much. Too many bones. (Interviewer makes a face.)
Paul: And why is there a keychain in your bag not attached to any keys?
Lucida: I forgot to take it out of my bag. It died on me. It was one of those noisemakers. You press a button on the back of its head, and its eyes will light up and it hoots!
Audra: (grinning) She just loves all that cute, silly crap.
(Paul fishes around in his pocket, grabs something, and pulls his hand out. When he opens it, all three women gawk in disgust.)
Paul: All I have is some pocket lint , a penny, a chicken bone, a bottle cap, and a squirrel skull with some meat still stuck on it.
Lucinda: Ew! No wonder you smell funny! What the hell do you have a squirrel skull for?!
Paul: I was saving its brains for later, like a snack.
Audra: Such tiny little brains…. Is it even worth the trouble sucking it out of the skull?
Lucinda: (pointing at him) Ah-HA! You ARE a brain-eater!
Paul: Not my favorite part to eat, trust me; too much cholesterol. And it was just a last resort thing. The skull keeps it protected nicely, and they’re easy to crack open…
(Interviewer covers her mouth, and Audra and Lucinda squinch up their faces.)
Audra: Like you need to worry about cholesterol!!!
11. Ugh, moving on…If you guys were at a store, what ten items would be in your shopping cart?
Lucinda: That’s easy. Two litres of cream soda, a bag of Doritos, a bag of potato chips, a ½ gallon of vanilla ice-cream, a 10lb. ham, a whole chicken, and three boxes of chocolate cupcakes.
Audra: and all that stuff would be gone in a day. (grins)
Lucinda: Hey, I have a high metabolism. (grins back)
Audra: Had I still been human, I’d probably get the same kind of stuff, but it would have lasted waaay longer.
Paul: Well, I’d have three packs of hamburger, three packs of chicken thighs, and four cans of Lysol.
Paul: Cuts down on my dead, ghoulish stench. A lot.
12. I see…. Well, here’s my last question for you… If you had the power to change one thing in the world that didn’t affect you personally, what would it be and what makes you think that change would be for the better?
Lucinda: I think we’ll all be in agreement to this. I’d squash every bit of social, economic, and racial injustice and intolerance. You see more and more of it coming out these days, and it’s just insane. All the bigotry, hatred and violence spread by humans towards humans…it’s like they’re becoming more and more like their barbaric, knuckle-dragging ancestors every day! The ‘human’ in ‘humanity’ is dead! The more humans progress, they digress twice as quickly. And the more we see this negativity flourish, it shows that their minds are simply becoming smaller and more closed-off to what peace means, and we’ve needed that for AGES. I’ve always said that the world is going to hell in a hand basket with gasoline panties on…so watch out, folks!
Audra: Amen to that.
Paul: Couldn’t have said it any better myself.
Well, thank you all very much for this interview! It’s been very enlightening!
Lucinda: Anytime! (Audra gives a salute, and Paul waves.)
Find “Diary of a Vampire Stripper” on Amazon.com for kindle, or at https://createspace.com/3778782 in print.
Her best friend is a werewolf. Her boyfriend is a ghoul. And she really, REALLY can't stand her vampire husband.
Trying to juggle college tuition and rent, young Audra Perez seeks a fast fix to her financial woes by auditioning as a stripper for the Hoochie Coochie Club. What she didn't expect was to actually be chosen. Barely a few months into her new job, she becomes acquainted with a mysterious, distinguished gentleman by the name of Darren Von Eldon, and they secretly begin dating against club rules. Then one passionate night at his beach house changes Audra's life forever.
Now as a newly-awakened vampire, this only adds to her day-to-day mundane burdens. Refusing to drain humans, she hunts birds for nourishment, and finagles a way to avoid going to classes during the day. But bigger problems loom ahead. Radical cops that know about her kind roam the night, seeking to destroy any and all 'monsters', and her best friend's family has a bone to pick with Audra's. Headless bodies are turning up on vamp and were turf, each side blaming the other for the murders. It's up to Audra and her friend Lu to figure out who's doing the killings, and their search leads them beneath the city streets to encounter an abomination neither one of them will ever forget.
And the relationship issues? Well, it's not easy dealing with a boyfriend and a vampire husband, so let's not even go there…
Download chapter excerpts; watch the trailer, keep in touch with the author and more at http://bloodtouch.webs.com/doavs.htm