Please welcome Cinearae and her gang from "Diary of a Vampire Stripper"
CHARACTER INTERVIEW WITH AURDA, LUCINDA AND PAUL FROM “DIARY
OF A VAMPIRE STRIPPER” BY CINSEARAE S.
1. Welcome! So, tell us a bit about yourselves!
Audra: Can I skip this
question, please?
Lucinda: (Snorts) She kinda
hates talking about herself, but me, I don’t care. I’m an open book, so ask anything!
Paul: Um, I’m not too good at
this kinda stuff either, but I’ll try.
Interviewer: Wonderful! So…as
for the first question…
Audra: Still skipping. I’ll
answer the next one, promise.
Lucinda: (Sighs and rolls her
eyes.)She’s a vamp. I’m a were. And Paul here is a zombie.
Paul: Will you stop calling me that?!? I’m a ghoul!
Lucinda: (Wrinkles her nose.)
Close enough!
Interviewer: What an
interesting trio you three make!
Lucinda: We get that a lot.
(grins)
Paul: Yep. And I’m her
boyfriend! (Points to Audra)
Interviewer: You…? She…?
(clears her throat.) Is that so?
Audra: We’re trying to get
that fixed. His problem, I mean. He was human before.
Interviewer: Well, I wish you
luck with that, Paul. Really.
Paul: Thanks. I need all the
help I can get right about now! (Scratches his scalp, and a small bit of it
sloughs off. He tries patting it back in place.)
2. So….what’s your story?
Audra: Well, pretty much like
most folks these days, I stumbled into some tough times trying to keep a job.
Out of desperation, I decided to try out as a stripper for a relatively new
club that opened up. I met Lu at the auditions and we became friends, and much
later, I ran into Paul there.
Lucinda: (whispering) She’s
being soooo vague…
Interviewer: Do tell.
Lucinda: (sitting up at
attention) True, we met at the strip joint, but she also met her husband there,
too.
Audra: Luuu….!
Lucinda: (ignoring her) Her
husband’s a bit of a dick. It’s why she became a vamp in the first place.
Paul: And that’s what
fascinated me about her. (grins dreamily, showing his pointed teeth. The
Interviewer cringes.)
Interviewer: I didn’t realize
ghouls had sharp teeth.
Paul: Gotta tear through that
raw flesh somehow, right? It’s one of the things that clearly distinguishes me
from a zombie, Lu.
Lucinda: You and zombies are
the same difference in my book.
Paul: I do not shuffle around
mindlessly with my arms stuck out, going ‘braaains’, do I?”
Lucinda: Well, no, but—
Paul: I rest my case. (Folds
his arms.) We’ve gotta stop having
this argument!
3. Moving on, being what you are, do you guys embrace
conflict or run away from it?
Lucinda: Are you kidding??? Whatever
it is, we gotta face it head-on, or
else it’ll simply get worse if we don’t nip it in the bud. Many humans don’t
believe our kind exist, which is all fine and dandy, but those that do know, well…we’re not well-liked by
them, to say the least! Being hunted by extremists that are out to kill us sucks… and they say WE’RE the freaks!!
Audra: Long story short, there’s
a group of vigilante asshole cops trying to eradicate us. I hate people that
are hell-bent on trying to destroy what they refuse to try and understand.
Paul: Definitely what they
both said.
Interviewer: I’m so sorry to
hear you guys are having it so tough. You guys are really cool.
4. What are your achievements?
Audra: That I managed to
humiliate myself in front of a large crowd during auditions, get turned by a
vampire, merge my vamp life with my human one, got assaulted at a graduation
party but managed to kick some ass in the process, and helped solve a weird
little mystery that almost had my and Lu’s family warring between each
other….all in one year.
Lucinda: (Gives herself a
facepalm) Gotta love her sarcasm.
Paul: My achievements are too
mundane. I’ve always been a bit of a computer geek, though. I got promoted to
Assistant Manager of my IT Department at the newspaper company I worked
for…when I was still human.
Lucinda: The achievement I’m
most proud of is the night I bagged a buck…all by myself!
Interviewer: (giving her an
odd look) You…shot a buck?
Lucinda: Of course not,
silly! I got him right in his jugular and dragged him down. Not a pretty
sight—boy, can the kick up a storm! But if you get your teeth in the right
location in their throat, then they’re history. (grins)
Interviewer: (clears her
throat) Moving on….
5. What, if anything, haunts you?
(They’re all quiet for a
moment, thinking)
Lucinda: I’d have to say…my
mom’s death. I was really young when she died, and the rest of my family keeps
her death shrouded in mystery. No one likes to talk about it. Everyone always
says she was killed by hunters, but I just get the feeling they’re not telling
me the whole story.
(Audra puts an assuring arm
around Lucinda’s shoulder)
Paul: Well, the very first
date I had with a girl when I was 13 still haunts me to this day.
Audra: (Inquisitively raises
an eyebrow) Really? You haven’t told me
this story yet…
Paul: You know me and trying
to talk to girls. I had a hell of a time just trying to talk to you!
Audra: (laughs) Boy, do I
know!
Paul: Well, it started out
this way: I wanted to take this girl to a movie. Well, when we were all seated
and ready to watch it, I kinda threw up everything I had for lunch that day.
Got some of it on her shoe, too.
Lucinda: (gawps at Paul) Kinda
threw up?!? On her shoe?! Ew!
Audra: Let me guess.
Nervousness?
Paul: Bingo.
Audra: Well, I always have
things that haunt me from time to time, usually stupid things from my past. But
it’s all a part of growing up, I guess. They’re becoming faded memories though,
thank God.
6. What from your past would you like to forget?
Paul: The throw up incident.
There was another one too, but it was a little more intimate.
Audra: My exes, the friggin’
rat-bastard pricks that they were. One was an egotistical, compulsive liar and
cheat, one was a money-grubbing, lard-ball sonofabitch, and the last one liked
to give me head trips. More of a verbal abuser, and loved blaming me for
everything that went wrong in our so-called relationship. That should have
warned me that something was wrong with him.
Like they say, the third time’s the charm!
(Lucinda gives her a hug,
now.)
Interviewer: Yeouch.
(Paul puts his arm around
Audra, but then pulls back, wincing in pain.)
Audra: Are you alright?
Paul: (Grabbing at his
forearm) I think a bit of my dead skin got snagged by your shirt, and kinda
pulled at the living tissue it was attached to.
Lucinda: (squinching her face
up and covering her ears) La la la la la la la…….!!!
(Interviewer squirms in her
seat)
Lucinda: (quickly taking her
hands away from her ears, looking at Paul.) You said there was another incident? More intimate?
Paul: Nuh-uh. No way. I’m not
telling that for the whole world to
know, Lu!
Audra: (to Lu and the
interviewer) I’m betting it’s what he told me.
Paul: It IS!
Lucinda: Aw, c’mon Paul!
Spill it!
Paul: (sighing) Alright,
alright! It was that very first time I got a chance to be with a girl, you know. Just as soon as we started, well…I tried
to hold it in, but I couldn’t—she was bouncing on me too hard! I let a really
bad one rip, and she freaked the hell out and left me there on the bed.
(Lucinda is quiet for a few
seconds, but a big smile slowly spreads across her face before she bursts out
in laughter)
Paul: (folding his arms)You
suck.
Lucinda: Paul, it’s no big
deal! Do you know many times my boyfriend has farted in the middle of sex? He’s
about as gassy as you are!
Audra: Please spare us that tidbit of info….
7. Okay, okay, no more embarrassing stuff. What do you
want to be?
Audra: NOT a vampire.
Paul: NOT a ghoul.
Lucinda: A veterinarian!
(Paul and Audra look at her) Whaaat? I’m serious! I think my special talent
would help me out A LOT in that career!
8. Alrighty then….What’s your favorite scent?
Audra: Honeysuckle. I love
lily-of-the-valley and roses too.
Paul: Fresh cut grass, and
steak on a grill.
Lucinda: bubblegum! And tacos!
Audra and Paul: Tacos???
Paul: I thought you would
have said Chinese food.
Lucinda: Yeah, definitely
that too! (grins)
9. And for some more favorites, tell me your favorite
color, food, drink and song.
Audra: It’s a toss-up between
black and dark red; like burgundy, or wine. As for food, that should be pretty
obvious, with me being a vamp. For drinks, I love a glass of Zinfandel with a
splash of bird blood. And I have too many fave songs from my fave bands, The
Cure, Marilyn Manson, and Depeche Mode. (She and Lu give each other high-fives)
Lucinda: I’m with her in the
song department. I like brighter colors; yellows and pinks. I love fruity
drinks, especially appletinis and jolly ranchers! And I love all sorts of food,
especially Chinese! (She and Paul give each other high-fives now, but she gets some
gunk from Paul on her hand and tries discreetly wiping it under her seat.)
Paul: And I’m with her on the
food….at least I was when I was human. Nowadays I like raw chicken and
hamburger. If I’m not too starving I’ll dump the hamburger in a bowl and eat it
like spaghetti since it’s all stringy-looking. (Interviewer looks like she’s
about to spew and appears a little pale.) Other than that, I like more earthy
tones; dark blues and browns. And I’m your average beer guy. As for songs, I
like Nine Inch Nails a lot.
Lucinda: So do we; we just
didn’t mention it. (grins)
10. Okay, here’s another fun question for you. Name 5
things in your purse or pocket right now.
Audra: Let’s see…my wallet,
my cellphone, some change, a hairclip, and some tissue.
Lucinda: Aw, that’s so
boring. Here’s mine…a tiny bottle of my favorite bubblegum-scented body spray,
my owl key chain, chewing gum, a tea bag, and a bird feather.
Audra: What the hell? Why do
you have a tea bag?
Lucinda: Took it from the
last restaurant I went to. Hey, it was free…
Interviewer: I would have
asked why you have a bird feather.
Lucinda: It came off of my
snack. But I don’t really eat birds much. Too many bones. (Interviewer makes a
face.)
Paul: And why is there a
keychain in your bag not attached to any keys?
Lucida: I forgot to take it out
of my bag. It died on me. It was one of those noisemakers. You press a button on
the back of its head, and its eyes will light up and it hoots!
Audra: (grinning) She just
loves all that cute, silly crap.
(Paul fishes around in his
pocket, grabs something, and pulls his hand out. When he opens it, all three
women gawk in disgust.)
Paul: All I have is some
pocket lint , a penny, a chicken bone, a bottle cap, and a squirrel skull with
some meat still stuck on it.
Lucinda: Ew! No wonder you
smell funny! What the hell do you have a squirrel skull for?!
Paul: I was saving its brains
for later, like a snack.
Audra: Such tiny little
brains…. Is it even worth the trouble sucking it out of the skull?
Lucinda: (pointing at him)
Ah-HA! You ARE a brain-eater!
Paul: Not my favorite part to
eat, trust me; too much cholesterol. And it was just a last resort thing. The
skull keeps it protected nicely, and they’re easy to crack open…
(Interviewer covers her
mouth, and Audra and Lucinda squinch up their faces.)
Audra: Like you need to worry about cholesterol!!!
11. Ugh, moving on…If you guys were at a store, what
ten items would be in your shopping cart?
Lucinda: That’s easy. Two
litres of cream soda, a bag of Doritos, a bag of potato chips, a ½ gallon of vanilla
ice-cream, a 10lb. ham, a whole chicken, and three boxes of chocolate cupcakes.
Audra: and all that stuff
would be gone in a day. (grins)
Lucinda: Hey, I have a high
metabolism. (grins back)
Audra: Had I still been
human, I’d probably get the same kind of stuff, but it would have lasted waaay
longer.
Paul: Well, I’d have three
packs of hamburger, three packs of chicken thighs, and four cans of Lysol.
Interviewer: Lysol???
Paul: Cuts down on my dead, ghoulish
stench. A lot.
12. I see…. Well, here’s my last question for you…
If
you had the power to change one thing in the world that didn’t affect you
personally, what would it be and what makes you think that change would be for
the better?
Lucinda: I think we’ll all be
in agreement to this. I’d squash every bit of social, economic, and racial
injustice and intolerance. You see more and more of it coming out these days,
and it’s just insane. All the bigotry, hatred and violence spread by humans towards humans…it’s like they’re
becoming more and more like their barbaric, knuckle-dragging ancestors every
day! The ‘human’ in ‘humanity’ is dead! The more humans progress, they digress
twice as quickly. And the more we see this negativity flourish, it shows that
their minds are simply becoming smaller and more closed-off to what peace
means, and we’ve needed that for AGES. I’ve always said that the world is going
to hell in a hand basket with gasoline panties on…so watch out, folks!
Audra: Amen to that.
Paul: Couldn’t have said it
any better myself.
Well, thank you all very much for this interview! It’s
been very enlightening!
Lucinda: Anytime! (Audra gives
a salute, and Paul waves.)
Find “Diary of a Vampire Stripper” on
Amazon.com for kindle, or at https://createspace.com/3778782
in print.
Her best friend is a werewolf. Her boyfriend is a
ghoul. And she really, REALLY can't stand her vampire husband.
Trying to juggle college tuition and rent, young Audra
Perez seeks a fast fix to her financial woes by auditioning as a stripper for
the Hoochie Coochie Club. What she didn't expect was to actually be chosen.
Barely a few months into her new job, she becomes acquainted with a mysterious,
distinguished gentleman by the name of Darren Von Eldon, and they secretly
begin dating against club rules. Then one passionate night at his beach house
changes Audra's life forever.
Now as a newly-awakened vampire, this only adds to her
day-to-day mundane burdens. Refusing to drain humans, she hunts birds for
nourishment, and finagles a way to avoid going to classes during the day. But
bigger problems loom ahead. Radical cops that know about her kind roam the
night, seeking to destroy any and all 'monsters', and her best friend's family
has a bone to pick with Audra's. Headless bodies are turning up on vamp and
were turf, each side blaming the other for the murders. It's up to Audra and
her friend Lu to figure out who's doing the killings, and their search leads
them beneath the city streets to encounter an abomination neither one of them
will ever forget.
And the relationship issues? Well, it's not easy
dealing with a boyfriend and a vampire husband, so let's not even go there…
Download chapter excerpts; watch the trailer,
keep in touch with the author and more at http://bloodtouch.webs.com/doavs.htm
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